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I’ve always considered myself as a happy person. In my school years I was always full of energy and enthusiastic about everything – no matter what no matter how.

Sometimes I find myself in some sort of moods where nothing seems to have a meaning and everything is so grey and I see no light, no colors, nothing. And I prefer to stay alone and not to get out which makes it even worse.

I’m asking myself why? Is it because of diabetes or is it because I’m getting older? Is there a connection between diabetes and depression? Do we become depressed because we have diabetes or do we have diabetes because we are depressed?

A hard part for me has been the weight that I have gained. Before the diagnoses I’ve always been slim. I’ve danced ballet for 12 years and that gave me a wonderful ballerina body. I was always self-conscious and now after gaining this extra weight sometimes I get very upset. It is hard enough to keep it all in control without diabetes. The hardest part of it is that I remember how thin and gracious  I used to be and when I look in the mirror now I cannot find the ballerina anymore. I see her eyes, I hear her heart beating every time she listens music and I can feel her wish to start dancing again – to be as light and tender as a snowflake in the winter.

Another thing which bothers me is when my blood glucose levels are going nuts instead of all my efforts. Sometimes this really could kill your wish for doing everything right. I’ve noticed that my blood sugar journals are complete only when my blood sugar is stable and the results are nice. If there are elevated numbers I’ve simply don’t want to see them displayed on the meter and try to erase them from my mind. It has to be actually just the opposite way but for me it doesn’t. I’m proud of myself when my results are nice and I’m really ashamed if they aren’t.

I’m not sure if diabetes causes depression. Perhaps it contributes and makes it deeper. I’ve always been hard on myself and wanted always to be the best – no matter what I was doing.  There is no difference now. Additionally I have to deal with diabetes and try to be the best example for diabetes control. Not because somebody will control me, but because I want to feel comfortable with myself and because this is who I am.

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Today is a beautiful sunny Sunday! I’m planning to have a log day out since the weather is just lovely. But there is one big BUT. Yesterday I’ve joined tudiabetes and now cannot leave my laptop. It’s so addictive to read all the posts there and everybody is so welcoming and friendly! I’m love with it!

The group actively promotes positive and proactive actions to stay healthy while living with diabetes. It’s such a great opportunity to get access to  far more information and resource than any particular person and you could learn about so much stuff.  And you can find opinions and positions that are not like yours and it’s OK to disagree. It’s just great!

I’m trying to read most of the topics in the forums. It’s just impossible in one day to do it. It’s so surprising  to see the answers on questions which you wanted to ask before and then you forgot or there was nobody who could answer them. The best thing is that there is no stupid question and no wrong answer and you are free to ask everything you like or to write your comment based on your own experience.

I love it!

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Today it’s all about possibilities. There’s something I’ve found while doing nothing at home. It’s  a prototype device from Medtronic and Ford that helps drivers track blood sugar levels.  Here is the article I’ve read.

The main idea is:

“Using Bluetooth connectivity, the system links the automaker’s popular in-car infotainment system, called Sync, to a Medtronic continuous glucose monitor. If a driver’s glucose levels are too low, an alert sounds or a signal appears on a dashboard screen.”

I’m not very sure that I get it properly. If you have an CGM and properly working insulin  pump, then why would you need another beeping? Not only that your pump will vibrate, but also you will get it displayed!!! Ok, I do understand that it is a safeguard, but I don’t think I would ever want to have it in my car.

I have to admit that the idea of connecting the diabetes devices to some other electronics is actually very nice. If there is a way to reduce the amount of all that stuff I need to carry around I would be very happy. It also would be nice to have an App for transferring the results from the glucose meter or the pump to my phone so I could have a daily view.  I know I could get pretty nice statistics and detailed information from CareLink, but I’m too lazy to upload every evening my pump readings.

But as we all know there’s a lot of research and someday we’ll get there!

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After the rainy weekend I’m so glad to see the sun shining again. It’s so much fun when it’s warm and everybody is walking around with summer clothes and summer spirit. This could be very dangerous when there is plenty of work to be done and stuff that you must learn.

And especially when you get some board games like Antimonopoly as a gift. I hope on Friday I could play it with some friends, drinking the home made wine of my mom. Which actually tastes so gut!!!  Wouldn’t it be a very nice ending of the busy week?

Yesterday one of my teachers introduced us to the last assignment for the semester. We’ll have to do a 40sec opening theme of CSI Vienna. 🙂 We have to choose one of the  The Who’s songs  from CSI Miami, CSI NY or CSI Las Vegas. I’m so excited. I do not know how exactly it should look like, but I have to figure it out as soon as possible. I’ll have to think who of my friends I would have to  take as actor and what exactly they should be doing. It’s sounds like fun, but I know it’s going to take a lot of time.

For now I’m only sure that I would take the opening song of CSI Las Vegas Who you are.

“Who are you?
Who, who, who, who? ”



I’m walking the whole day around with this chorus in my head. It makes my feet dance when I’m writing this.

So…I have to go back to my duties… hope that soon some fresh ideas will come to my mind..:)

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It’s been an amazing week! I’m so happy that I was part of the Diabetes Blog Week.

Although I’ve been reading a lot of blogs, I’ve never imagined how many diabetes bloggers are out there.
It was so great to see how the daily topic inspired so many and brought such a bright palette of opinions and posts.

I just can’t express with words how happy am I about this community and the support and the inspiration. It’s just amazing how you are connected with people that you’ve never met in person but they know stuff about you that perhaps not even your friends know.

I’ve learned that writing on a daily basis helps me to be more organized about my daily schedule and to be more accurate about my diabetes.

Thank you!

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I’m so glad to write about what excites me about diabetes! Not that I’m thankful that I got it, but I try to find a way to stay on the bright side of life!

From the first moment I was diagnosed I started to read many books and tried to understand what was happening to me. And from that moment I began to realize how amazing and complex the human body is and that there is perhaps nothing more perfectly functioning . There are millions of processes which are going on and we could hardly imagine how it is possible. Every system is composed of other smaller systems. Organs are composed of tissues, tissues – of cells, cells – of organelles, organelles – of molecules, and so on. Although each system has its own function they all work together. It is really amazing how the human body is engineered. It takes care of every small movement, every mimic, every thought. There аrе no two humans who are exactly alike in external and internal anatomy. And I always think how amazing is all that! And I only have to deal with some stupid diabetes and not properly working pancreas and have complains about it???? How stupid am I and how great the human body is!!!

Isn’t it amazing how you could read what’s going on in your body through your blood sugar levels. If you have an infection, if you are ill, if you are stressed – then you’ll probably have unusual levels. And if there are unexplainable values – they are unexplainable for us, not for our bodies. Everything has its reason! But we don’t know it. Our body does.

I’ve experienced several times high blood sugar levels that at first made no sense to me at all. After that I realized there was an exact reason for all of them. Listen to your body, it tells you everything. In its own language.

I don’t know if there is something that my body tried to tell me with that diabetes. I’m still looking for the answer.

And after all living with diabetes isn’t all bad. You take more care of yourself, watch your food intake and exercise. You get to know many others related somehow to diabetes – mothers, father, friends. You realize who loves you because of who you are. You start to appreciate all the small things. You change your way of thinking. You start to help others with whatever you could do – information, supplies, your own experience. You learn so many new stuff. I’ve started cooking! I’ve started even blogging. 🙂

We’re much stronger than many other people. What doesn’t kill us – makes us stronger!

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Today is all about the things I hate about diabetes! After sometime carrying it around,  I’ve started getting  used to most of the inconveniences diabetes comes with. After all, without smiling at them and having a positive attitude I would be constantly sad, perhaps depressed and not able to take better care of it and myself. Although I’m trying not to think  about all that stuff it will never be gone and I could never erase it from my mind. Diabetes is just evil. Actually one old native name for diabetes is “pissing evil”.  Ha-ha-ha. There’s the list of  my top 10 things, which can really piss me off sometimes:

1. Hate lows! Hate lows! Hate lows! Every time I get one, I’m so scared how low will it get. I hate the feeling of being weak.

2. Having to stop what am doing to check my blood sugar levels..:(

3. Hate to see bad results when I’m doing everything right.

4. Hate to be dependent on anything at all, in this case insulin

5. Hate that it strikes at any age, taking no care what happens afterwards

6. Hate to think about all the complications that could happen

7. Hate to think about my blood sugar all the time

8. Hate that the skin on my  fingers is rough from all the testing

9.  Hate having to explain why I dont eat this and why I dont drink that

10.  Hate having  to see that pity look when you tell people you have diabetes

… I believe I could name some more things I really hate. But if I continue to think like that I’ll get in one of these moods when you are asking yourself: “Why me?”  “Am I so bad?” and so on …  In reality you have to be optimistic and to believe that only good things will happen to you and someday you will get rid of diabetes!

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It’s been a really long long day! I’ve had an excursion  from the University today. We  walked around Vienna the whole day long, almost without any pause or rest. It was really interesting in the beginning. We learned about public spaces and gardens and visited a lot of nice parks and some green yards. After several hours of being constantly introduce to new information, I was really getting overwhelmed. My head started to ache and my skin got so red because of the sunburn that I got. There is a white mark on my neck surrounded by a very red and painful area. Now I’m thinking: should I wear tomorrow the same necklace to cover the white spot or should I choose another one?

This really made me laugh. What a blooper, huh?! In some ironical way the topic today is to write about Diabetes bloopers. I’ve just had one. It has nothing to do with diabetes, but still a blooper, right??

This whole day I have been wondering what I could possibly write today. I’ve  simply had almost no mistakes or bloopers connected with diabetes, because I have always been very thorough about injecting and testing. Maybe because at the beginning I was pretty much afraid of needles and pricking myself at the finger.

But there is one story I could tell. It is not a funny one at all. But still…

So last year I’ve got a trainee program for six months. The people I worked with are very nice, open minded and warm. We’ve had a wonderful time together and I can be only proud that they still want me as a college and offered me a job during the holidays. But let’s focus on the story.

There’s a thing about me – I do not like to tell people about my diabetes. Only my family and my closest friends know about it. I just don’t like telling people maybe because I hate when somebody looks at me with that eyes that tell: “Oh, you poor girl!” And after that I have always to explain that I live pretty normal life; that could eat anything I like, only have to calculate the exact amount of insulin and inject it.

So, again to the story. I  never told my colleges about my diabetes. Sometimes I’ve asked myself if I should do it, but the moment was never right and so I just didn’t mentioned it. It was just my third month with the pump. I’ve managed to bolus each time when I washed my hands so nobody ever saw  me doing it.

Until this day  came along. It started at home as I was changing  the needle. It hurt a little bit when I placed it, but I didn’t pay any attention to it. When I was in the office I felt the vibration alert: No insulin delivery. So I changed the set, gave 0.3 units fixed prime, checked my blood sugar and made a correction. After some hours it was already lunch time. I checked my blood sugar and it was just fine. I bolused for the lunch and sat on the table with the others. Because normally I had a home prepared meal for lunch,  I knew exactly how much to inject. We’ve always had lunch together, and it has always been the funniest time of the day. I loved it, because everybody shared some stories and we had a wonderful time. As I was sitting down (my place was the most difficult to get out of) I felt the vibration alarm again. I knew it was the same error message again. No insulin delivery. So I thought that after lunch I would need to use my insulin pen and I just ignored the alarm and continued eating and laughing. There was a second vibration. I ignored it too. And then the pump started beeping. At the beginning very discreet, but after just a short while there was nobody in the room who hadn’t heard it. I was so embaressed. I said it was my phone beeping, I stood up from the table and went to the facility room, where I took my pen and injected myself with some insulin. Of course I changed the set again. This time it was succesful and everything after that was just fine.

I was so embaressed. I think none of my colleges realized it was not a phone, but my insulin pump. If I had told them right at the beginning it would have been so much easier for me.

So … that’s it. Now when I look back I can still  remember my cheeks blushing and my heart pounding. I wish this would never happen again.

Now I have to go and take care of my sunburn. Let’s see what blooper tomorrow will present me with.

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Dear  Pancreas,

I’ve always wanted to ask you:

– What happened 4 years ago?
– Was I bad with you?
– Didn’t  I treat  you right?
– Didn’t it feel nice to be in my body?

I’ve always tried to keep  my body healthy, so please be honest: Why?

Was it a surprise for my birthday? Was this my birthday gift?  I know it is not a joke – if it was one, it would have happened  on 1st of april perhaps  and in some extremely cynical way I could’ve understood it. But in summer? The best time of the year???

Do you know how bad I feel sometimes? Do you know how sad I am?

Thank God I’m surrounded by people who really love me and care about me. There is my wonderful family, who was always supportive and gave me strength not to give up.  There are also my friends. My true friends.  Even though they do not know how much it takes to try to be “normal”  again, they felt that it’s not important to know always what to say, but to be there for you without telling a word. I love you all, guys!!! And there is one very important person in my life who still loves me, supports me and wants to be with me. Every time when I look into his eyes I see only love and understanding, warm tenderness.  I know sometimes it’s not that easy to be with me – but thank you for standing all this  time with me!

So dear Pancreas,

Can you  please tell me why? What do I have to do to make you function normally again ?

If  only you could speak and explain… You know I’m trying to make things right. And I’ll never quit  trying. I’m just not this kind of person, I’m a fighter. A very open minded, friendly and smiling fighter!

Do you think there will be a happy ending? I  trully believe that soon I’ll have my answers on all those questions.

I have only one favour to ask  from you: Please, let us  work  together  for a better life! We have to play on the same team, we have to be on the same side! And togeher it would be  much easier.

I love you and I’ll always take care of you.

Sincerely yours

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