I’ve always considered myself as a happy person. In my school years I was always full of energy and enthusiastic about everything – no matter what no matter how.

Sometimes I find myself in some sort of moods where nothing seems to have a meaning and everything is so grey and I see no light, no colors, nothing. And I prefer to stay alone and not to get out which makes it even worse.

I’m asking myself why? Is it because of diabetes or is it because I’m getting older? Is there a connection between diabetes and depression? Do we become depressed because we have diabetes or do we have diabetes because we are depressed?

A hard part for me has been the weight that I have gained. Before the diagnoses I’ve always been slim. I’ve danced ballet for 12 years and that gave me a wonderful ballerina body. I was always self-conscious and now after gaining this extra weight sometimes I get very upset. It is hard enough to keep it all in control without diabetes. The hardest part of it is that I remember how thin and gracious  I used to be and when I look in the mirror now I cannot find the ballerina anymore. I see her eyes, I hear her heart beating every time she listens music and I can feel her wish to start dancing again – to be as light and tender as a snowflake in the winter.

Another thing which bothers me is when my blood glucose levels are going nuts instead of all my efforts. Sometimes this really could kill your wish for doing everything right. I’ve noticed that my blood sugar journals are complete only when my blood sugar is stable and the results are nice. If there are elevated numbers I’ve simply don’t want to see them displayed on the meter and try to erase them from my mind. It has to be actually just the opposite way but for me it doesn’t. I’m proud of myself when my results are nice and I’m really ashamed if they aren’t.

I’m not sure if diabetes causes depression. Perhaps it contributes and makes it deeper. I’ve always been hard on myself and wanted always to be the best – no matter what I was doing.  There is no difference now. Additionally I have to deal with diabetes and try to be the best example for diabetes control. Not because somebody will control me, but because I want to feel comfortable with myself and because this is who I am.